Last night, I went to a party. Without going into too many details about the before, when the partying finally started happening, a somewhat muscular looking redneck showed up. I was sitting next to my friends H and A. H, who invited me, told me not to talk to him, not to look at him. He had apparently already hit a minor. 

He disappears and over subsequent minutes, things change around: I am next to A on the other side of our sitting area, K and H are both where H, A, and I were prior. I was sitting on the ground. I stood up, and redneck, whom we will hereby reference as RN, started talking to me. I sensed from his looks he wasn’t friendly. Ignoring him, I thought, would make things worse, so I answered his questions.

He started touching me. First my nipples, making lewd suggestions along the way. My groin was obviously next. He would alternate between them, while I tried to swat away his hands, telling him to stop. He started to threaten me. I was, by this point, shaking thoroughly. I was absolutely terrified. 

I was high. I had smoked weed before all of this, so my mind was scattered as well, in addition to the terror. He suggested that if I didn’t allow him to touch, he may take it by force. (The implication was rape.) I, still shaking, and with teary eyes, stuttered out a ‘yes’. After the consented touch, I was almost paralyzed with fear. I slid into the empty chair next to me, as A had moved a little bit earlier. It continued.

He briefly stopped, and I started to get up, when he told me if I did I was getting thrown over the bannister. Mind you, once more, he had already hit a minor, a 15 year old, earlier in the night. There is no doubt in my mind about his seriousness. His friend backed him up, oft blocking me from moving, or blocking me from getting up at all. 

The home owner started making comments. “Wanna suck cock tonight?”, “How small is your dick?”, other such things. Before this had happened, I was looking around, thinking, “why isn’t anyone helping me?” Most of the time I couldn’t see K, my only defense, and I couldn’t see H or A most of the time. I tried to get A’s attention. I tried to get K’s attention once when I was in the process of sitting down. I was saying out loud, “help”… “somebody help”… as often as I could manage - I couldn’t think when I was being touched, it was like my mind turned itself off and I was just teary eyed and shaky. 

Finally, when he moved to the other side of me, I saw an opening. I was still being fondled, but I leaned forward enough to yell out, “K! K! Help me, please!” He came over and told the guy to stop, as he was coming over, I ran. I laid in K’s car crying for the next 2+ hours. K wouldn’t take me home. Once he did, I haven’t been able to ring him since, and have now been without estrogen for two doses, anti-androgens for three, and antidepressants for two, because he has my bag. Incidentally, I have also been out of a toothbrush - annoying in its own right. 

I spent the entirety of Sunday absent-minded. Numb. Gone. Twelve, thirteen hours on, my eyes were still puffy, wet, red. I still look like I’ve been through a trainwreck, and it’s almost been 24 hours since it happened. (It should reach 24 in approximately 1.3 hours.) I still don’t feel anything but some insane violation and hurt at the people around me. Even so-called friends. A makes the following claim on my Facebook, after I made a blanket statement about sexual assault;

you told him to grab ur dick then said u liked it…..”

It should have been fairly clear from the shaking, the repeated nos and stops, the cries for help, running away, crying for hours alone, and immediately going to my house instead of K’s as soon as we left, early in the morning… that I didn’t like it. I don’t even remember sarcastically suggesting I liked it. In any way. From my perspective, it was very different. From my perspective, I was in the process of being violated, and tried the only option I had left, said what I was more or less forced to say, and was promptly violated more and threatened. How could anyone assume I liked what was going on? 

So, not only have I been sexually assaulted, but I have been blamed for it by my own friends. My biological father too, was quick to say it was my fault for going to the party. What use, even, is pressing charges when 2/3 or more of the people are going to side with the violator, including the owner of the house? What the fuck do you do in a situation like this?

Even worse is when he comes out to where I’m crying to say he’s straight, has two kids, and was just joking. As if his claimed sexual status makes me feel better. As if that is the person that needs to have custody of kids. My friends, all three of them, suggesting that it happens at these parties, that it’s all joking, and it’s all hazing because I’m new there. It’s not a joke to me. It may be hazing, but beyond hazing, it’s still sexual assault and abuse, and I still feel extremely violated, like there is nothing to take that feeling away. A day later and I’m still feeling nothing but the occasional deep hurt and feelings of violation, despair, abandonment… whatever it was to him and the other people there, it was not those things to me. To me, it is the worst thing I have ever experienced, a terror beyond anything I could imagine. I would have rather had a gun held to my head.